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You Make Me so Much Strong

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Sitting at the back seat with my son, I felt my head hurt like hell as if it was going to explode at any time. I suffered from periodic migrainous neuralgia for many years. It has become part of my life and never bothered me too much until now. Usually, I took some pills and went for a sleep, when I woke up my old friend would go away. However, for this time the timing was really bad. We were heading home from a weekend short trip, and my son was in a high gear after a good nap. So it was impossible for me to have some quiet time, let alone a sleep. I sucked in deep breaths, fighting hot nausea which boiled in my throat. Oh, no. I can't throw up in front of my son. It would scare him. I told myself over and over again.

“Mama, Mama.." my son handed me a picture book and implored me to tell him a story. With the back of head exploding with pain, I couldn’t concentrate on the book. The words on it seemed to swirl out of the focus, so I made up one through my confused thoughts: Fox mother was sick, and the baby fox was getting hungry…. My voice was weak and twisted, as if from some far away stranger.

“Are you OK?” came from my husband, and his voice sounded strange and distant too. I didn’t know how to reply for a moment until I heard his anxious voice again: Answer me, are you all right?"

“Fine.” That’s all I could manage to speak. He was driving the car on a highway, and I couldn’t trouble him now.

“Mami is sick, be good and give mami a kiss, OK?" my husband said to my son.

Yu was so adorable that he climbed up on my legs and gave me a sweet kiss. Then he put his arms around my neck and tucked his head under my chin. “Gai, Gai.” he babbled when he pat me on the arms lightly. He tried to tuck me in like we did for him when he was not well.  For a moment, I felt my eyes stinging a little as if an invisible hand had just squeezed my heart. My son is only one and nine month old. It is impossible for him to fully understand what was going on, right?

I wanted to hold him like that forever, but the position made my head throb even worse. All the trees and bushes outside of the car window did a quick, sickening whirl. Lightly, I put him aside. For the next time, he behaved really well. He played his thumb and toy alone until he found a plane in the sky. "Fei fei" he exclaimed excitedly. We were driving on a highway, so soon the airplane disappeared into thin air. He couldn’t understand----in his memory, the plane would hang in the sky for a while. A logic answer to this mystery popped up in his little head---the plane must play hide-and-seek with him. So he covered his eyes with his plump hands for a minute. When he opened his eyes again and failed to find the plane, his lips pouted and he started to wail. Usually his logic would make me burst into a round of laugh. But not this time. Luckily, yu is not a wailing baby, and he is not difficult to deal with when he is crying.

We finally made home. When my husband was pulling over the car, I couldn‘t hold it any more. I bent over with my hands braced on my knees and I puked all over. I heard my parents coming around, "Are you Okey?"

“Get him out of there.” I managed to say. Yu was so scared. Sorry, my love.

When I felt better, I tormented myself with what-if scenarios. I am not in a fragile condition, but exposed myself long time to an unhealthy life-style, I have never been strong. What would happen to my son if I died untimely? I knew that physically he would be well-cared for. But what about his emotional wellbeing? He would grow up feeling abandoned by his mother, and no amount of logic would offset that primitive response.  It is time to make some changes. I didn’t have a care in the world, but now I have my boy to consider. It’s my responsibility to raise him, discipline him, and keep him safe while mold him into a responsible human being. So I need to take care of myself well first. From now on, I will pay regular visit to gym, and shy away all the unhealthy habits. I used not be a worrier, but I am a mother now.

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